About two months ago, I headed to my follow up scan and consultation with my doctor. At this point, I was about two months out of chemo, and this visit was our first post-chemo look at my insides to see how the cancer had responded to the intense treatment (aka poison) it had been bombed with for four and a half months.
We got some good and "bad" news. The good news is that while the cancer is still present and has not shrunk, it has not grown or spread. In addition to that, my doctor said they did not want me to do any more chemo at the moment until we either come across a promising study or the cancer starts to move. Woo hoo! I am so happy to not have to do chemo again for a while. My hair is going to be blowing in the breeze in no time. This was all pretty good news.
However, my doctor went on to explain a statistic that was a bit unexpected. She told us that because my cancer had not been eliminated by our treatment, as research and treatment options stand today, there is a zero percent chance of my cancer being cured. There is a zero percent medical chance that this cancer is going away. Zero percent... Those words really have no wiggle room. She didn't say fifty, ten, or even one. She left no room for uncertainty. Zero. She said it has never been done. She is very sure of this. I know she is sure because my mom questioned her pretty thoroughly on the subject.
Now, as scary as zero percent can sound, it does not mean that I am in any immediate danger. It does not mean that I can't live a long, semi-normal-ish life. It just means that barring an act of God or some astounding breakthrough in modern science and medicine, my life will be cancer. And if that zero percent remains my reality that is 100% okay with me.
I know fully that my God is able to heal me. I know that miracles exist even now. However, I have not asked for healing. I have not prayed for a miracle. There is nothing wrong with asking for those things, but I have felt a strong desire from the very beginning of this journey to ask for His will only and to completely surrender to whatever His plan for me might be. He is asking me to trust Him, and I do. I trust my Father, my Creator, my Savior, the lover of my soul with my heart, my mind, my soul, and my life. I will walk whatever road He directs me to gladly. My heart aches to chase after His. Even in the toughest days of pain and weakness, my life is better with Him than on a mountaintop without Him. He makes "zero percent" zero percent scary. Regardless of the outcome of this cancer, I am 100% safe in the God who never moves. He will not abandon me or fail to sustain me through whatever the coming months and years may bring.