"I like geography best, he said, because your mountains & rivers know the secret. Pay no attention to boundaries." — Brian Andreas
"May what I do flow from me like a river, no forcing & no holding back, the way it is with children."
— Rainer Maria Rilke
I can trace my fascination with rivers back to childhood. I would fantasize about swan diving off of cliffs into the river, as I would sing "Just Around the Riverbend" at the top of my lungs over and over and over (almost as much as "Part of Your World"). My sister has said she can't hear the song without thinking of me (and probably wanting to punch me a little). The lyrics are just so on point, though. "What I love most about rivers is you can't step in the same river twice, the water's always changing, always flowing..." The song uses the river as a symbol for the unknown, choosing your course, furthering your dreams, risk, uncertainty, and anti-complacency. I may have over-analyzed a Disney song, but hey, it speaks to me.
In analyzing the concept, though, it struck me that while, yes, the water is always different, it is also part of a greater whole. Little brooks, creeks and streams trickle into and feed the raging rivers that flow into vast, roaring oceans. This concept has come to the forefront for me in recent months as I have been reflecting on my life and how many "past lives" I have lived and different paths I have walked. I equate these paths to the creeks and streams that feed into the river that is me. While they are part of my ever changing waters, they are thankfully only just a part of the whole.
In trying to come to better understand the person that God created me to be individually, I found myself trying to match up and make sense of the paths my life has taken and who I was on those paths. Suffice it to say, I have lived a strange and extreme life on many polar-opposite levels. I am coming to accept that while those past selves do not represent my full, authentic identity, they are all still real pieces of who I am today and who I am becoming, and they should be recognized, not ignored. Although, there are some parts I would give anything to ignore. I have a ways to go in accepting each part merging together as a whole. I am getting there, though.
I think there is a bit of a stigma in someone admitting that they still are not fully sure of who they are. However, I like to think it is perfectly natural. I also believe that only by being transparent and honest with yourself and others about where you are can you live a life of freedom and achieve the purpose for which you were created.
So here I am. I am admitting that I do not have it all together. I am still, by God's grace and help, peicing together the pieces I shattered into a whole and beautiful mosaic. I am still striving and failing more than I care to admit, but I am unwavering in my desire for what He has for me. I am getting closer and closer. I can't wait to watch Him merge all of the streams of my past lives into a strong river with raging rapids and sparkling, calm waters- carving my path with adventure and twists and turns through the time ahead of me into the end destination of His ocean.
“There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns.”
Psalms 46:4-5